The Circle of Grief

Grief is not linearThere are no fixed points or endings Grief is more circularThere are better days,Where you feel just at the top of the circleThere are sad daysWhere the lows pull you down to the bottomBut, always our hearts, our minds and our spirits are traveling the course of the circle… round and round…Some…

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“How will I know if he’s dead?” This question came from a woman in her 50s, husband was nearing the end of his life. Does he like change color? She continued, “I’ve never really seen anyone that’s dead before.” The moment of death. The moment where there was once life, a flame, extinguished. Is that…

A Good Nurse

Lately, work has been crazy. There always seems to be a fire to put out. I try to provide education and support to the families, who are in their most emotionally taxing times. Am I doing a good job of it? This always leads me down the rabbit hole of questioning what a good nurse…

Because Of The Heart

Last night, I returned home from work somewhere around 7pm. I left my house that morning at 7:30. It was a long and exhausting day. The worst part of it was that I was so busy during the day that I had not charted a syllable on any patient. For those that don’t know about…

The NP Dilemma

I am normally a woman who has no trouble making decisions. Examining the issue, weighing pros and cons and coming up with a reasonably quick answer it typically not a problem. Now, that doesn’t include asking me which restaurant to choose for dinner. But, for the past few years, another difficult dilemma has plagued me.…

The Words

Words hold great power. What we speak carries such weight. This holds especially true when dealing with difficult subject matter. Hospice caregivers are enveloped in that very thin tight rope of sensitive subject matter and profound human emotion. How can we communicate the magnitude of the situation without causing deep emotional upheaval? Die, dying, death……

Gone Fishing

“But, Helen, please do this for me. I just can’t bear to tell them. I don’t want to be the villain. This is my own family we are talking about. They cannot hate me now.” She pleaded with me, with eyes swimming in tears and voice quivering. She was the daughter of a hospice patient.…

Dear Doctor

My crazy week was winding down, finally. Admissions, multiple visits, IDT and unbelievable family issues (literally cannot make some of them up) all stirred together created a week where I am positive I acquired more than a few new silvery strands of hair. But, alas… it wasn’t over until I returned all of my calls……

When The Universe Speaks

Being a hospice nurse is a lot like raising a strong willed toddler. There can be vast shifts in mood without notice… laughing and crying often find the sweet spot where the lines blur. So many things are out of your control.. try as you might, be as proactive as you can, without a doubt…

Welcome to Sending….

Dear new hospice nurse, Congratulations. For whatever reason, maybe you have decided quality of life is important or maybe you have had a first hand experience, your path has guided you to becoming a hospice RN. Welcome to a whole new way of nursing. On this side we are able to actually get to know…

Forgiving

This idea of a blog post about forgiveness has been floating around in my mind for quite some time. My posts don’t have to come from any one specific incident and this one doesn’t. But rather, from small episodes, which, weave themselves together and set me off pondering. My own life experiences can so often…

When It Is One of Your Own

When my work phone rings early on a day off, I tend to not wake up. When it rings twice, I start to get conscious. By the time it’s the third try and it’s my personal phone, I am wide awake. Before my eyes even opened, I knew it was a phone call I would…

The Weight.

My blog has been quiet lately. I haven’t found myself in the correct headspace to actually write. I would start a post and then just abandon it because the words sounded choppy and there was no connection to it. My innermost voices have been a symphony of different emotions, one jockeying harder than the others…

No Angel

“It takes a special person to be a nurse and it takes an angel to be a hospice nurse” I am no angel I will not always know the perfect thing to say I will not always be on point I am not perfect nor am I an angel, but here is what I am…

I Understand

“Helen,” she said, as she wiped away her tears, “I hope you never have to experience this. I hope you never have to feel what it feels like to be making a decision that could be ending someone’s life.” Her mom had just literally passed, the room still felt like full of her presence. My…

Not 9, But 99

She was the type of old lady I want to be. She was sassy and opinionated. Mostly confused but, had moments of crystal lucidity. Her eyes were set on a fellow resident and no amount of reasoning could dissuade her that this was going to be her boyfriend. She loved Diet Coke, but, fountain only…

The Cry

It was a particularly hard day in the middle of a particularly hard few weeks. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to. I had snoozed then alarm one too many times and missed the small sliver of free time in the morning that I could exercise before work. I had forgotten to charge…

Mean Girl

Nurses are the ultimate Jekyll and Hyde. So kind to others, but, brutal to each other. What happens when a bully becomes the bullied?

Take Two

I always try to prepare myself for a new admission. Reading over the notes and reports, a plan starts to take shape in mind, even before I have my first visit. Plenty of times, almost as if it were habit, autopilot kicks in. CHF? Oxygen, morphine, diuretics, meds to increase the strength of the heart’s…

What Next?

No matter how prepared you try to be, you never are. All of the education – explaining about how the body will change, what medications will be used and how each symptom will be managed – prepares only minimally. But, we still put so much effort into the preparation of -the- moment. The progression towards…

We Are Here

The image of a nurse running down a hospital corridor. The picture of a nurse getting dressed in isolation garb to care for a critical patient. To most people, those are the images that flood their minds when they think of a textbook RN or CNA. That’s how we are portrayed in the media and…

When It Won’t Gel

When I feel the urge to blog, it normally will happen in response to some idea swirling around. The problem with that is, as anyone who knows me, my brain is a never ending train of thoughts. I may be showing my age, but, it’s like the VH1 show, Pop Up Videos, when the bubbles…

Let’s Be Honest

As many know who have read my writings before, I tend to be very transparent with my feelings. Being in hospice has afforded me the opportunity to witness, first hand, the rainbow of emotions that make the human existence. Today’s writing won’t necessarily have to do with hospice specifically, but, is compelled from a place…

Scream

We have all had these types of visits. The kind that you literally cannot get out of the home fast enough. As I rushed into the safe cocoon of my car, the tears that I had been trying so hard to hide came flooding out. Not wanting to be seen by anyone connected with the…

What’s It Worth?

I am exhausted.. it’s been a crazy long day. I left the house this am before having had coffee and returned home, exhausted. Lunch was a diet soda, which I grabbed as I was getting gas. I kept thinking that after the next visit, I would find a decent bathroom to help my screaming bladder,…

My Own Mirror

I thought a lot about writing a blog entry like this. It’s very personal and raw. It’s something I have struggled with, covertly and then, overtly for many years. Acknowledging it was very freeing because as much as I didn’t want to admit it, anxiety has played such a huge role in my life. My…

Walking Together Forever

When someone dies, it is always a difficult and sad situation.. Like many people, my heart is so heavy today. Kobe Bryant, his daughter and several others lost their lives in a helicopter crash. To me, Kobe had always been special. He and I were born in the same year, same month, same day and…

Gifts

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not so great at wrapping gifts. Don’t misunderstand me, I am a great gift giver. I take the time to think and plan each detail of the gift. The rush knowing how much the receiver will ultimately love the present makes the effort of wrapping so totally worth…

Addition and Subtraction

“I know you hospice types”, he looked over at me as I jotted down notes, “you are going to admit me now and just start taking away all my medications.” I looked up at him and thought about his words for a second. His eyes glimmered with a bit of mischief but, also reflected his…

Courage

I can’t tell you what I am thinking because I know I will cry I am not supposed to cry. Stoic. Steely. Keeping my emotions in check. They belong in my bag.. tucked away with my stethoscope. But, as I see you there… struggling. Your body so tired from the fight. Your spirit heavy with…

I Won’t Do That

Her face was gaunt, lips dry, eyes without that indescribable flicker of life… her body tired and unable to fight anymore… she was at home, surrounded by her family … her faithful dog occasionally bouncing up to the foot of the bed, which made a loud creak when he found a spot he liked. Occasionally,…

Other Nurses are Friends, Not Food

A long time ago, when I was a baby nurse, there was never any real preparation for life on a nursing unit. Sure, we knew what the textbooks said about how to care for a patient. I knew about vital signs and lab results. But, I really never knew about the interpersonal dynamics that can…

Don’t Be Scared

Fear is such a confusing feeling. It causes some to run from the object they fear and others towards it. Some fear the actual feeling of fear without knowing what exactly it is they are afraid of. Is it like the young child, who after put to bed, lives each second worrying about the monster…

Mirror of Truth

It’s one of those things that gets talked about, but, it is done so in the most abstract of ways. There are enough descriptive words attached to it, that we can imagine it but cannot quite grasp the enormity. It’s just like if you have only read about the Grand Canyon but never actually visualized…

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Nursing is the most unique of professions. It is done not just by what one is taught in school, but, the tidbits learned through years of experience. There is an intuition that cannot be explained but is almost always spot on. We nurses are a different breed. We run towards situations as others run away.…

When It Becomes A Memory

A moment becomes a memory just that quickly. The people that we see everyday can fade from our lives long before we are ever ready for it. The shock value of losing someone special is normally followed by a wave of regret, grief and sorrow. Regret is a bitter ghost of a reminder of a…

Hidden Hero

I have to share a little secret. I try to stifle it down and silence it, but, it doesn’t always work. It’s something that is so hard to say that I hear my inner voice saying it and am aghast. That just can’t be. You see, sometimes, this hospice nursing thing stinks. It’s hard. It’s…

Lucky

I knew you were dying before I ever laid eyes on you. Arguably, everyone is dying, but, you were really dying. I am a hospice nurse, it’s part of the job description. You see, I play the part of the nurse and you play the part of the patient. That doesn’t make this any easier…

Past Passed

The days are frantic and busy. There are times when it almost feels like your feet are stuck in quicksand – running as fast as I can but, it feels like nothing is getting done. In the midst of it all, the phone never stops. The bings, the ringing, the emails – it seems to…

The Most Vital of Signs

As nurses, we are taught to be number lovers. Blood pressure, pulse, weight, height, time of last meal, distance ambulated….you get my drift… It is one of our chosen methods of communication… Listen to a nurse giving report… it’s a complex word soup of stats, values and findings. For hospice nurses, it’s a tiny bit…

Demystifying Death

The actual moment of death… the second that the heart, after years of repeatedly doing the same rhythmic movement, stops. The silence. The final breath… this can vary… as sometimes, it can be abrupt and just as regularly as one is breathing, suddenly, they stop. There could have been some warning signs – some pauses….which…

The Final Moments

She lays there… here eyes dancing between slightly open and closed… her breaths…much more pronounced now…it’s almost as if her whole body becomes a party to each deep inhale… her chest rises, but, so does her abdomen, but curiously not in harmony… her skin is sallow has taken on a waxy appearance…her cheeks are sunken…her…

Can Do

You know that feeling, it’s the feeling of being in a room and all eyes are on you. You are expected to know every answer. You are expected to solve every problem. You should have the right words to comfort. You need to be able to make it all right. You need to find everybody’s…

Nurses

It’s the dawn of another Nurse’s Week. I remember working in the hospitals and my coworkers and I would try to guess what cheesy gift we would get. Would it be a branded tumbler? An umbrella with the hospital logo? Maybe it would be a $5 off coupon to the cafeteria , which if you…

How You Feel?

The drives between patients often is my own thinking time. The radio is off and as much as those calling and texting, my phone normally lays buzzing away on the passenger’s seat. I need to process what I have done, what I have seen, what I have heard and how it all felt. I am…

How Will The Cards Fall?

I never claimed to be overly informed about a lot of professions. I don’t know what a grip on a movie set does nor can I explain what happens on an off shore oil rig. One thing I do know, with great detail and accuracy, is the life of a nurse on shift. While we…

The Things We Don’t Dare Say

I can’t tell you how many times you cross my mind during the day. I can’t tell you how I worry about you and your family. I can’t tell you the times I have left our visits with a smile only to turn the corner and allow the hot tears to pour down my cheeks.…

Just Not Ready

“I know you can’t give a specific timeframe, but”… How I wish I had crystal ball that clued me in on events that have yet to happen…. The end of life is such a profoundly individual experience. Much like the labor of entering this life, exiting is full of unknowns, even for those who have…

Out of sight

I have never really stopped to think about the number of patients that have passed through my care over the years. Guessing would do it no justice because even my most hard thought estimate probably wouldn’t even come close. The different types of nursing that I have chosen to explore have allowed me to see…

Mirror

On a recent afternoon, I was texting with a former coworker. We had not talked in a while and were playing the catch up game. Talk shifted to my job and how it seems to be the opposite of everything nurses are supposed to do. Instead of standing guard and blocking the attempts of death…

Are there supposed to be tears in cookies?

It’s December 21 and there isn’t a single thing baked in my house. I should be ashamed of myself. Growing up in a traditional Greek household, my mom would bake enough to fill boxes upon boxes of traditional Greek Christmas cookies. The folks at the bank got some, so did the mailman. Neighbors, church friends…

Thoughts of Death

I think about death. I think about death a lot. I think about how I would feel if those I love died. I think about my own death frequently. It is my Roman Empire. It could be argued that it’s just because I am a hospice nurse and that permeates my thoughts. Death often lingers…

My Own Mortality

Nobody thinks it will happen to them. We look around at our loved ones or our friends and we are don’t often think of them dying. We see them call mom, vibrant and alive. Death is such a difficult topic because it seems to be the one large issue that our minds never grasp. It’s…

No Apologies.

This is one of those straight to the point blogs. I thought about toning it down, but, healthcare workers have been made to be quiet for so long, this won’t be one of those moments. There have been so many changes and upheavals in healthcare over the past few years – Covid, short staffing, burnout…