I can’t tell you what I am thinking because I know I will cry

I am not supposed to cry.

Stoic. Steely.

Keeping my emotions in check.

They belong in my bag.. tucked away with my stethoscope.

But, as I see you there… struggling. Your body so tired from the fight. Your spirit heavy with all the weight of this situation. The smile that used to always crease your lips has become a memory.

I want to share with you how much I admire you. How brave and courageous I feel you are. I can’t say it without sounding condescending. The last thing I want is to sound insincere.

How much time? When will it happen? What does it feel like? This bouquet of uncertainties is most often what is asked.

I wish I could say… I wish I had a crystal ball and could prepare you in the best way. But, lacking the wisdom of the Oracle, I can just try to ease anxieties and allay worries.

Which words will bring you and your loved ones comfort? What can I say that will extinguish fear and sadness? Are there even words?

You are fighting a fight that will eventually end in a loss. But, the power of your fortitude makes you seem like you are unbeatable. And, even though I am your hospice nurse, brought in specifically for this final journey, I cannot say that I don’t pray for a miracle. That all this will fade away like a bad nightmare. We both, however, know it won’t.

When my words fail me, my hope is that by looking in my eyes, you will know what’s filling my heart. I am sad for you. I hurt for you. I worry for you.

I promise to make this journey as smooth as possible.

I promise to always be honest with you.

I promise to be there for you, even in the moments when you tell me to go.

I promise to forgive any harsh words or uncharacteristic actions.

I promise to do everything humanly possible to make you pain free.

I promise to help ease your fears.

I promise to care for you as I hope one would care for me.

This isn’t just your journey, but mine, as well.

Courage and bravery often roar the loudest from those that are the most quiet.

By Helen Haddick BSN RN CHPN

RN who has just left critical care in the hospital for hospice. Join me for my journey Please feel free to leave comments and like if you enjoy this

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