Most of my posts are all about the emotions involved with hospice but, this time I thought I would lighten the mood a bit. Life as a home based hospice nurse is full of lots of adventures. Any home health provider will have a colorful … Continue reading Life on the Road
The words flow like rivers from both sides of the bed. Words of unspoken feelings and emotions. Sounds that form sentences, which for whatever reason, until this very moment, were held captive. After they have been uttered , eyes will sometimes find their way to … Continue reading The Presence Present
It’s always those end of the day visits.. You know the ones where they are unplanned but you have this overwhelming pull to go The ones where it has been a long day already… you could easily just head home to chart, but, at the … Continue reading Special
A few weeks ago, I was seated around the bedside of a mother and grandmother, talking with her children. The patient was dancing between this world and the next, so peacefully and her daughters were just relived that she was finally reaching the end of a years long struggle. It had glorious highs with hopeful prognosis and soul crushing lows which caused this family to close ranks and focus on what meant the most to them. When mom decided that she was ready to enjoy what life she had left without doctor’s appointments and scans – without nausea so profound she was unable to open the blinds and without such exhaustion that even lifting her hand to caress the face of her granddaughter was a struggle, her family supported her choice. That was about four months ago and hospice was called in. Our paths crossed there and brought us here. To this moment.
As she lay there, her breathing slowing down, if you could imagine the batting of a butterfly’s wings, so elegant and graceful, her daughters started to tell me stories of the precancerous life. At one point during a very animated moment, both daughters started laughing recounting a moment when Mom attempted to absentmindedly bake a cake and used powdered sugar instead of flour. They both turned to me, with shock, and said “Oh my God, Helen… Mom is dying and we are laughing! Is that allowed?” “Of course it is! I am sure she can hear you and is loving it all!” The girls went on to share more stories and Mom peacefully passed. The soft smile on her face proof that she loved every moment of their loving laughter.
So, what is allowed when someone is dying? It’s not like Emily Post wrote about it or for you younger folk that you can search it on Wikipedia. As a hospice nurse, I have seen the gamut of emotions. The rainbow of feelings that one’s passing elicits is vast. Let me tell you what I think is ok… again… full disclaimer… my blog… my opinion. Don’t forget… I am a loud, sassy, emotional and heart on my sleeve Greek woman, so some folks might not agree. I digress
It is ok to cry.
I am going to say that again, it is ok to cry. That means everything from the single tear to the please hand me a tissue because the snot is overtaking me crying. No one has the right to dictate how you cry. I will put one exception here, I have seen, mostly in very small villages where people throw themselves on the deceased or dying person and caused them harm. Please don’t do that. Cry all you want. Don’t forget tissues and waterproof eye make up.
It is ok to laugh. Working in this death business, I often think about what it might be like when I go. Do I want people sitting around sobbing over me? No way! Especially if I am still there and hearing is the last sense to go! I want to hear the stupid stories about how my brother tried to make me ride a goat when I was 5 and got lice. Laugh! Heck, laugh till you cry. It’s ok.
It is ok to feel conflicted. Death or dying brings so many emotions. How could you not be conflicted? Think of that period as a almost a time you are sifting for gold. You have all the sandy sediment junk on top, but, in time, as you move through the emotional stages, you will find the gold. Yes, you will miss that person, but, there is goodness that comes from death. It’s not always easy to see.
It is ok to be angry. Sometimes, people are angry at the person that is dying for not trying hard enough with treatments. That’s their choice. You might not agree with it, but, you do have to respect it. While it’s ok to be angry for a while, it’s not ok to stay angry… that’s an emotion that needs working through as soon as possible.
It’s ok to recount, recall, tell stories, make jokes (ok, maybe not crude ones)… all of those things help people begin to heal.
It’s ok to scream in a pillow when you are alone
It’s ok to eat a pint of ice cream while crying (not that this is from personal experience… tears and chocolate almond are yummy)
It is ok to see a therapist. No one is a fortress. It’s ok and really healthy to ask for health when dealing with all of these emotions.
Death just doesn’t change the life of the one dying. It changes the lives of everyone.
“You can always tell that a job is difficult when you tell fellow nurses you are a hospice nurse and they say “Oh, wow, that has to be so rough!” Truth be told, this job isn’t easy. It’s not one you take because the hours … Continue reading Favorite
Life is full of questions. Life is full of choices. Life is full of decisions. Life is full of those moments where you feel like you should have the answers, but you just don’t. Having a loved one in hospice or being yourself in hospice … Continue reading Answers
It’s my job, as a hospice nurse, to be the navigator on a journey that most all hate to travel. Just as any exploratory voyage, and it is exploratory because each person’s journey is unique, there are moments of calm… moments of silence… moments of … Continue reading A.D.
It’s a little chilly in your bathroom, but, you are sweating and have the fan strategically blowing in your face. Your color is pale, almost like a pre tanned vacation photo except you have look that alerts others you aren’t well. Eyes are sunken, the … Continue reading Thank You
As I often do, I found myself thinking about things I could blog about tonight…
Should I talk about the lady with dementia who responds to basically no one and nothing but responded to a chocolate doughnut I brought her?
Or would it be better to blog about the man, whose wife is clearly passing, who looked at me and said that needed to have a get together for all of us who helped care for his wife?
The patient who has every cat I have ever known beaten because it seems that just when I think she is passing, she manages to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
I think I’ll just talk about time…
In my line of work, time is priceless. How much time? How long? When? Patients and families always find themselves asking me questions about time… In a lot of ways, patients have lost grip on everything else and only their slight hold on time remains.
No one knows for certain how many grains of sand remain in anyone’s hourglass. Not even the most experienced hospice professional can be sure of when a patient will pass. There are clues. There are signs. There are hallmarks that I can base my estimate on, but, at the end of the day, it remains an uncertain estimate. Just as every body lives differently, every body dies differently. There is also that undeniable role that the human spirit plays…
No one knows for sure how one’s personality influences their passing. From experience, I can say that one’s personality is fused into different stills of their passing. Were you a feisty person? Typically, they are the ones that fight on… even when fighting is a lost cause.. they still fight on. Were you a fixer? They are the ones that wait.. or try to.. until everything is resolved.. Were you one that hated to make your family sad? They are the ones that pass when a family has left the room.
I wish I could so provide the clarity and foresight that patients and families seek. But, I often find myself wondering what does it really matter? If you knew you were dying tomorrow and were already sick, what would it matter? If you were not sick, I am sure it would matter greatly as there would be things to take care of. But, if you are already ill, why not just relish what time you have left? Devour each second as if another would never exist.
Our lives are a series of seconds… a collage of choices… a mountain of memories. Seconds become decades in the blink of an eye. Allow yourself to be present in the here and now. Time will always be there… just marching along. Counting the minutes or hours is akin to wasting them. Enjoy this second… this moment.. this present.